I participate in a couple of infertility forum communities online. I’ve been with them for over three years. There are many many women that have struggled with infertility for much much longer than three years. And my heart breaks for them. I feel so sad for those still longing for a child. Just one. That was my prayer for those three years. Just one, God. That’s all I’m asking for here. Some of the women in the online communities continue to struggle with IF issues with multiple pregnancies. They go through the IF dance with each one. And some of those pregnancies were/are difficult till birth, every time. I am in awe of their tenacity to grow their families. They know exactly what they want and are willing to go above and beyond to fulfill the dreams they have for themselves. Little miss is only three and a half months old but I’ve been asked practically since she was born if The Mister and I would be trying for a second. After picking myself up off the floor, I give my standard, “Oh, let me just enjoy my daughter first.” Or if it had been a rough day, “Let me survive her first.” Now that some time has passed, I think I can safely say that she’s our one and only. I asked and prayed for just one. And she’s here. The emotional roller coaster we went through to bring little miss into our lives was devastating at times. I could barely hold it together some days. I skipped baby showers and left rooms when a pregnant woman walked in. I cried on the way home from work when yet another person I knew announced an impending birth. My want for Maddy was so strong that it overshadowed so much of my life that was happening around me. I spent many days in my own sadness. I couldn’t understand why The Mister and I couldn’t have a baby. All I wanted was her. And now she’s here. After so many tests and medications and procedures. She’s here. Our one and only. To go through the emotional strain of trying to get pregnant again with years added onto our ages compounding the issue is just too much at this point (I’d be close to 40 before I’d even think about considering another). I don’t want little miss to witness the strain or somehow feel the effects of it. I don’t want to put The Mister through all that pain again either. Once was enough. Though we’d go directly to IVF knowing our road blocks, I’d still live with that “what if??” monster. That monster beat me up, stomped on me, and then kicked me in the knees for three years. We don’t need that monster in our lives. There isn’t room for it.
As I type, I’m sitting in my classroom, listening to a whole hoard of elementary school children file in the auditorium (above which my classroom sits) and a little irritation rises up inside me.
Don’t they know we have classrooms up here?
Can’t their teachers keep them quieter?
Why are little kids SO loud?
And then it hits me.
My kid is probably going to be the loudest of all someday.
I’m only saying that because I wasn’t a terribly loud kid but The Mister and I can get into some loud conversations about nonsense that sounds like something dramatic but it’s not. On occasion. Nothing earth-shattering or vow-breaking, just… we’re loud sometimes when we’re talking to one another.
Plus there’s that whole “paybacks are a B&$#H!” karma/divine retribution thing.
I can only imagine what our kiddo will pick up from us.
Changing the subject just slightly, we are just about ready to meet this little one. Like I mentioned before, the nursery is done. My DIY project is done (both with much help from my lovelies.) The car seat base is in the car, as is the hospital bag though I keep adding to it. Lip balm anyone? We heard first hand at our last birthing class that having your favorite lip balm handy is a top priority because the hospital-provided balm is crap.
What’s the first thing The Mister grabbed when I texted him last week and told him my midwife thought that my water broke? My lip balm. He’s so good. (P.S. Obviously my water had not broken or I’d have posted Peanut pictures already. False alarm! But The Mister was ready!)
As we creep closer to 38 weeks (seriously, this last month is taking forever to get through!), I’m sad, happy, excited, and nervous all at the same time. The sadness is reserved for my students. I’m sorry to be leaving them next week, three months shy of the end of the year, and six weeks before their AP exam. They’ve been really wonderful and I’m so glad I’ve had the opportunity to teach AP this year. I may not have this chance again.
At the same time, I’m really excited to meet this little bug that’s been growing inside me for the last 8 months (truly, finding out we were pregnant at roughly four weeks makes for a long pregnancy but so worth it.) I’m also nervous because, well, I’m a first time mom. And I don’t want to be super paranoid first time mom or lax either. I can’t believe the hospital sends brand new babies home with newbie parents!
And because of that whole karma thing, Peanut will probably be late, prolonging my elephant ankles and waddle even more.